I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
