is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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