remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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