I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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