My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
