My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
