I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
