6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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