We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
