All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
