they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
