as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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