eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
