The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
