I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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