tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
