I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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