if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
