I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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