i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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