okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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