Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
