1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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