...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
