he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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