omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
