tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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