I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
