I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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