I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
