I accidentally burped into my bong.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
