you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
