you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
