I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
