Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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