Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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