I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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