is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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