I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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