i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
