Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
