just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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