She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This is the high leading the old right now
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I could fuck to npr.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
