If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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