he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
