hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
