i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have already put on my inside pants.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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