I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize