glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
A bitchslap is in order.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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