I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
