If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
