Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
